It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
