I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
it glows. i had to have it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
