Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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