there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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