I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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