does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
