he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
