Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
