JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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