so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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