that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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