I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
