so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
