Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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