I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
