I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize