I wish my penis had an off switch
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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