Dude my mom stole all your condoms
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
