I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
