Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
