i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
