ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
