very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
