I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
