I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
