wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The power of my boobs compel you
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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