I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
