I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize