Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
