My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
