It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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