I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
