Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
