Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
