It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
