My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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