If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
