it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
