I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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