took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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