So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
