My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
