I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
