Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
