there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
