i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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