youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
