Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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