Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
