The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
