96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
