Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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