my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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