I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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