her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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