There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
