I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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