so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
