everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
