Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
