ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
