If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize